After months of being MIA I finally went to see my counselor again. I must everything that has been going on, I needed it.
I spoke to her about the incident with my mom and the backlash I received when I posted "My Story". I must say that although I do not regret it, and everything I said was true and how I feel about it. I am now seeing things from another view. She asked me if I had forgiven my mom, and I couldn't answer. This issue is a subject that no one talks about, the elephant in the room, and maybe I brought up a sore subject. But in the process of healing myself, I have to be honest on how I feel about things.
It isn't that I haven't forgiven my mom. Because when I think of it now as a 30 year old woman, it is just a part of "my story" I don't feel anyway about it. As a 12 year old girl, I felt abandoned. And I know that not having my mom there through that time, affected who I am. and that's not to say that it is a negative thing. Deep down inside I told her I wanted my mom to acknowledge that it happened. That she is sorry that I felt that way. My mom was always there, lets make that clear, she never abandoned me, but that is how I felt at that time. So maybe me needing that from my mom, in its own way, can say that I haven't forgiven her.
My counselor says to me, well what if you never get it. I didn't know what to say, But in reality its something that I may never get. I have to learn to let go, and forgive. And seeing the way she brought it up to me, I am here to say Mom, I forgive you and I'm letting go.
I have always say that I am very grateful for my mother. She is an amazing woman. I cant say enough about her, and it hurts to know that she was hurt by what I said. It wasn't to make her feel hurt or for her to think I think bad of her. And maybe I need to let her know more often how amazing she is. That's something I need to work on.
My whole purpose of putting "My Story" out there was honestly for myself. I wanted the world to know that I am not afraid to let everyone know who I am and just saying, here, this is "my Story" not anyone elses....This is me! In hopes that someone reading it would get something out of it. some strength to let go, to not be afraid, to accept the past. It was never made to hurt anyone and it makes me really upset that someone would print it out and give it to my mom and make it, a bad thing. I wrote a whole post about my mom on her birthday and they didn't give that to her!?!? People have ill intentions and that was def one of those times that they, wanted to hurt my mom, it had nothing to do with me posting it, or what I wrote.
If you are out there struggling and holding onto something that has happened to you in your past, if you are holding a grudge, or are in pain because you have never gotten the "I'm sorry" you feel like you deserve, I am here to say let it go. The weight that you have been carrying around for this long is something that only YOU have been holding onto. Wasting every being hurt, being bitter being angry. The other person has moved on and frankly dont care about you or your feelings. Letting go and accepting an apology that you will never get is for you. Not for that other person. Don't allow someone to have that much control over you, over how you feel, over your life.
Don't ever allow someone else to steal your happy!! ;)
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