Ugh

My cousins trial started last week. I am torn...hurt....weak.....honestly there is no words for the way I feel. Reading the articles its like reading the life, the mental state of a stranger. This isn't my cousin. There is no way the man I knew could ever do this, not to his own brother not to anyone.

As I read his name, there in print, I am hit with reality. And the struggle begins. I thank God everyday. For the lives he allowed to stay here on heart, for the people that are still with us, including him. At the same time I cant imagine the family of the person who life was lost that tragic night. They will never get to see, hear, laugh, kiss, talk to their daughter, sister, mother again. Its such a heart break for everyone involved. We sit on different sides of the court room, but we cry the same tears, because at the end of the day pain is pain. No matter who feels it, its all the same. Its a nightmare that we all wish we will wake up from. That we could go back to that night and everyone just go home....For some of us, that will never come. They will never walk through the doors. That emptiness is a void that will never be filled.

Some how we must find a way to deal with it, to somehow move on.

My family is such a blessing to me. I have never imagined that we would have to hold each other down the way we have. The nights we held each other and just cried. That is something that I thank God for. We were always close and maybe God prepared us for this. Is something we all never imagined, even this past year has been unbearable.

I ask that if you are reading this. Next time you read a horrible story in the paper, or watch it on the news. That you pray, not only for the victim and their family but for the family of the person that committed the crime. Things like this impact everyone involved in a way that no one will understand unless you are in it.

I thank you for your prayers and thoughts....