I am now 30. I took a moment and reflected on my 20s.
I must say they weren't all bad. Most of the years were spent in love, being happy, life as I knew it was good. But the last 2 years were my hell. My life fell apart. I was left beaten and left for dead. Emotionally I was dead.
I was at a place where I didn't know how I would breathe again, someone took away my breath....I started counseling in June of 2012. It took me a while to realize that I needed help. I cried all the time, I called off work to sit in my bed and just cry. It was an uncontrollable cry. I laid there and just cried...There were nights were my son would lay in my bed with me...He would put his arms around me while I cried. I found myself asking God why...Asking for strength because I knew I couldn't do it any more. Something was wrong.
That was the point where I knew something had to give.
I walked into the councelors room...She said "What brings you here" just like in the movies, and I just started to cry....As much as I told myself not to, I just cried. She told me that she couldn't help me like that and sent me to get meds. She told me I was depressed. I knew something was wrong but I never expected that. I thought I was fine and just going through something. It was way deeper then I could ever imagine. Ive been on anti-depresents for a year now. It was something I needed...
Its been almost a year and I am in such a better place. I have discovered so much about me. I am much stronger then I ever gave myself credit for.
I am at a place where I am ok with who I am and where I came from. I'm not afraid to tell you that I'm a child of an alcholic. And although I never thought that would affect who I am, i never realized that it was exactly who I am. I grew up never feeling good enough, always looking for something I wasn't getting at home. Although I may have a hard exterior, I was once a child who would give anything to feel like I was enough for a parent who had a disease, I wanted him to make me feel like I was enough. I was waiting for him to give me something that I have learned, I may never get, so I have learned to give it to myself. I have learned that having an absent parent, made me feel in-adequate. I brought that doubt, unknowingly, into my future and into this relationship. I doubted that I would be enough for him, for anyone. He seen that doubt and abused that. I am now at a place that I know my worth, I know the woman I am, the wife I am capable of being, the mother I am and will continue to be. I am complete, and I completed me, not anyone else, but me. I am good enough to be loved the way I love, to be taken care of, as I take care of others. I am worth much more then I ever thought...
I am not afraid to say that there are days I don't think highly of myself, days that it is hard for me to look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful. Those days are coming to an end.
I cant really explain the place I am at today. I am happy to say that the next person I decide to give my heart to, will have someone that no one has ever had before. Its a better me.
I started my 30s with such a clear mind, soul, heart....I'm excited for what this year, and the years ahead have in store for me. I am truly blessed and I have only one person to thank for that. Prayer works, God is amazing and I know what he has in store for me is much bigger then I ever imagined for myself. I am grateful.
I will stop and take each moment as they come, knowing that I am not in control, I will grasp it and allow God to work his magic, I am his creation and he doesn't make mistakes!
Thanks for taking this journey with me....Look out because the best is yet to come ;)
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